Episode 15

Candles & Community: The Wave of Light Experience

The Wave of Light is a significant event that brings together families to remember and honor their lost babies, and in this episode, Siobhan and David reflect on their recent experience participating in this poignant occasion. They share how the event serves as a powerful reminder of the enduring love and grief that accompanies baby loss, emphasizing the importance of community and connection in navigating these difficult emotions. Siobhan discusses the challenges of balancing their loss with the demands of family life, while David highlights the need for open communication about feelings of anger and sorrow. Their daughter Alannah contributes to the conversation by reading two heartfelt poems, expressing her own connection to her sister Grace and the love that continues to exist despite the loss. Through their reflections, Siobhan and David encourage listeners to find solace and support within their own communities, reminding everyone that they are not alone in their grief.

Takeaways:

  • The Wave of Light is a significant event for parents to remember their lost children.
  • Community support during baby loss helps people feel less isolated in their grief.
  • Alannah's poem symbolizes the deep bond and love that continues after loss.
  • The importance of creating opportunities to share feelings about grief cannot be overstated.
  • Events like the Wave of Light help acknowledge and honor the memories of lost babies.
  • Camaraderie with others who understand makes a profound difference in the grieving process.

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Transcript
Siobhan:

Welcome to Life after Baby Loss, a podcast brought to you by Grace in action.

Siobhan:

I'm Siobhan, Grace's mum.

Siobhan:

And together with David, Grace's dad, we'll be exploring life after loss.

David:

Hello and welcome to this episode of Life after Babylos.

David:

day of Babylos Awareness Week:

David:

Thanks for being with us for this journey, and we will continue, but more on that later.

David:

I'm David, and this is.

David:

What's your name?

Siobhan:

Siobhan.

Siobhan:

Hasn't changed.

Siobhan:

Still Siobhan.

David:

Okay.

David:

Surprise.

David:

What we did today.

Siobhan:

Yeah.

Siobhan:

We thought we would reflect on the wave of light again because this is what we did at the end of our first mini podfest season that we did.

Siobhan:

rldwide event that happens at:

Siobhan:

in whatever time zone you happen to be in.

Siobhan:

And we actually went to an event yesterday that was a sort of a memorial for baby loss awareness week.

Siobhan:

Memorial.

Siobhan:

It's not quite the right word, is it?

Siobhan:

An event?

David:

It's a time to remember with other people in the same position.

Siobhan:

And we lit our candles as well.

Siobhan:

So it's kind of a wave of light because, you know, a random Tuesday evening, to be fair, it's a school night.

Siobhan:

It gets difficult when you've got other children or not even just other children.

Siobhan:

You know, your life encroaches and grows around your loss and you have to.

Siobhan:

It's quite deal with stuff, don't you?

David:

It was quite.

David:

It was.

David:

So this is the first year that we haven't acknowledged the wave of light on the same day as everybody else in the country or the world.

Siobhan:

Although we will still light a candle tomorrow night.

David:

But do you think it was less because of that?

Siobhan:

No, not at all.

David:

Let's go back over the origins of this particular event.

Siobhan:

Yes.

Siobhan:

So this was a new event, if you like, because previously we regularly went to the one run by our local sands group at huge shopping centre not too far from us.

David:

Blue water hut, which has a lake.

Siobhan:

It's built in an old quarry, I think.

David:

Yeah, it's built in an old quarry.

Siobhan:

And there's a really nice lake and it's very picturesque and beautiful.

Siobhan:

And there used to be this lovely event.

David:

We'd walk around it, there'd be poems along the way, we'd cross a bridge and we'd throw sort of flowers into a river in memory of our children and then walk on.

David:

There's this little, lovely little beach.

David:

And there.

David:

There'd be sort of a couple more readings and then light lanterns.

Siobhan:

Lanterns that would float on them all.

David:

On the beach and put them all on the beach.

David:

And it was amazing because you'd walk back towards where the car park was and you could see the lanterns on the beach in the.

David:

In the little distance and read all the babies names.

Siobhan:

Yeah, yeah, that was nice.

David:

And all the babies names would be.

Siobhan:

Called out is that they used to read them out.

Siobhan:

And lots of other families, people who couldn't make it, you know, their babies could still be remembered and honoured there and.

Siobhan:

Yeah, lots of babies.

Siobhan:

I mean, I think at its height, I reckon there were 150 people there.

David:

Easy, easy.

Siobhan:

And then, of course, Covid happened, so what?

David:

Yeah, Covid put a real kibosh on that because, of course, those events couldn't happen.

David:

And when Covid had sort of gone its way, the, um.

Siobhan:

Things changed at blue water for things are.

David:

Things changed at blue.

David:

So what happened?

Siobhan:

Yeah, they've.

Siobhan:

They've put some kind of, um.

David:

Zip line.

Siobhan:

Zip line, yeah, zip line.

Siobhan:

I'm sure there's a zip line thing over there now.

Siobhan:

And you can't do the same things you could do.

Siobhan:

I think you can still walk around as a nature reserve, but I'm not sure that they have.

David:

Right.

Siobhan:

I actually haven't been.

David:

No, no, that's the thing.

David:

So things change physically?

Siobhan:

Something changed physically.

Siobhan:

And also blue water.

Siobhan:

Definitely.

Siobhan:

When we wanted to get it back up and running again, they.

Siobhan:

They were very funny.

Siobhan:

Even once things had calmed down a little bit, Covid wise, they were still being really funny about, like, the number of people gathering.

Siobhan:

And I'm thinking, this is a shopping center.

Siobhan:

This could all be total nonsense, but I heard snippets of information from different places and this is a story my brain has held onto.

Siobhan:

So for whatever reason, I didn't carry on there.

Siobhan:

And things changed with our local Sans group as well.

Siobhan:

You know, when people are volunteering for organizations, they've been doing that for a long time.

Siobhan:

You know, sometimes you've kind of done your bit and you need to move on and things changed and, you know, the quorum of the group was lost because of COVID and it never really got back on its feet.

Siobhan:

So that made it difficult to organise from that point of view.

Siobhan:

But get to now there's two.

Siobhan:

Two lovely ladies.

David:

Two lovely ladies.

David:

Two lovely ladies from the sands group.

David:

Now, what's weird about this?

David:

In my head, I knew them both from Sans and they knew each other from Sans.

David:

So we're talking about Emma and Sineadhead.

David:

However, even though they went to the same sans group, they went at different times.

David:

And the only reason they discovered each other was because their husbands worked together and had a conversation about the subject and introduced their wives.

David:

And it was only as time went by, they realized that they'd both gone to the same sans group at different times.

David:

But because the whole thing's quite blurry in my head, I thought, yeah, we knew them.

Siobhan:

We knew both of them from sans at different times, but we didn't realize that we knew them at different times.

Siobhan:

So they were never actually at Sands.

David:

So they've become best friends and they thought, they need to do something.

David:

And they embraced this thing that, you know, let's do it at weekend rather than a weekday.

David:

Let's make it earlier for people who've got kids, who've got to get ready for school the next day.

David:

And it was like a brand new fresh start.

David:

So we met in a car park of a bowling alley.

David:

We walked up through.

Siobhan:

Well, we actually.

Siobhan:

There's a memorial there.

Siobhan:

We were standing at the war memorial.

David:

Yeah, yeah, I knew that.

Siobhan:

It happens to be right next to the car park for the bowling alley, but that's actually a memorial where we started.

David:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

David:

Of course.

David:

Yeah.

David:

Totally honest.

Siobhan:

To be fair, you were busy chatting to people, because that's what you do.

Siobhan:

You do people.

Siobhan:

And I notice other things like that.

David:

You notice what's important.

Siobhan:

I also read the poster which said, starting at the Warmer memorial.

David:

Okay, all right, all right.

David:

Hold on.

David:

So we met at the war memorial in Bexley Heathen.

David:

How many of us reckon.

Siobhan:

I think there was about 60 people there was that.

David:

Yeah.

David:

Yeah, that sounds about right.

David:

Lots of families, parents, grandparents and friends.

David:

Actually, there was a number of friends who'd come to support Emma.

David:

Started it off by reading a poem.

David:

And we all took a nice leisurely stroll, chatting to each other, meeting new people, catching up with old people.

David:

Not old people.

David:

Old friends.

Siobhan:

Former friends.

Siobhan:

No, not friends who are old.

Siobhan:

Hang on, get on.

David:

My word.

David:

It was a late night.

Siobhan:

Yeah, a weird time.

David:

And we strolled up to the local anglican church, went inside.

David:

The vicar was really nice, said a few short words, didn't drag it out, which was good.

David:

And then we could all light a candle.

David:

And it was just really nice to have those candles burning.

David:

There's just something about fire, isn't there?

David:

Flame, just as a memory thing.

David:

And then we left there.

David:

Had a nice leisurely stroll up to the old.

David:

Kept going, yeah, we're going to walk up to the old fountain.

David:

And I was like, what is it now?

Siobhan:

It's a flower bed.

David:

It's beautiful.

Siobhan:

It's actually really.

Siobhan:

Yeah, it's really pretty.

David:

It's got a little fence around it and seating.

David:

And seating.

David:

And we put.

David:

We all sort of wrote our children's names on sort of ribbons, sort of.

Siobhan:

Ribbons and blue and white and white.

David:

Tied them to this little railing, and it looked beautiful.

David:

And then Alanna, our eldest, read a poem which was about siblings losing a sibling.

Siobhan:

Well, specifically a sister, which is.

Siobhan:

Yeah, obviously her situation.

David:

And then Siobhan sang.

David:

What do you sing?

Siobhan:

I sang how long will I love you?

Siobhan:

As long as stars are above you.

Siobhan:

Longer if I can.

David:

That one by Ellie Golding.

Siobhan:

Except it was me singing it.

David:

Yeah.

David:

By early Golding, sung by chiffon.

David:

A beautiful cover.

David:

And then the lovely bit was walking back down to the local pub.

Siobhan:

You missed a bit.

David:

What bit I missed?

Siobhan:

You did a rousing speech in the middle of all that.

David:

Didn't I say that?

David:

No, I did a rousing speech.

Siobhan:

Come on, you got to acknowledge yourself.

David:

I did a rousing speech focusing on anger.

David:

Anger.

David:

The fact that we still contain that anger and we need to talk.

David:

Really, we need to get it out.

David:

And the fact that those feelings are strong, because what we felt for our dead children is strong.

Siobhan:

It still is.

David:

And I said, I'm not afraid of the pain in.

David:

I don't want the pain.

David:

I don't like the pain, but I'll embrace it because it is indicative of the strength of my feelings for my dead child.

Siobhan:

Exactly.

Siobhan:

Yep.

Siobhan:

Someone said that to me a long time ago.

Siobhan:

It was when my grandpa died.

Siobhan:

I think I had a bit of a funny thing happen with my grandparents.

Siobhan:

Maternal grandpa died.

Siobhan:

And three weeks later, my paternal grandma died, my nanny, within three weeks of each other.

Siobhan:

And then about ten years later, it was about ten years later, I think my maternal grandma died.

Siobhan:

And it was slightly longer than three weeks, but it was still a very short time frame.

Siobhan:

My paternal granddad died.

Siobhan:

Very odd.

Siobhan:

It was just really odd.

Siobhan:

Anyway, when my grandpa died, some very dear friends of mine, I was talking about it.

Siobhan:

It really knocked me for six.

Siobhan:

I was very close to him.

Siobhan:

And I was in my early twenties when this happened.

Siobhan:

And this friend Chris said to me, you know, it's a measure of how much you love someone or how much you loved someone, how much the grieving hurts.

Siobhan:

And that really helped.

Siobhan:

It really helped.

Siobhan:

And I think about that often with grace.

Siobhan:

In fact, it still hurts.

Siobhan:

And that's okay.

Siobhan:

Of course it does, because I haven't stopped loving her.

Siobhan:

And that's why it's important to make time to go and do events like this wave of light reflection that we did yesterday in Bexley Heath, you know, and I really miss that during COVID we did something online the first year.

Siobhan:

Do you remember when we all crowded around in the bedroom and the girls were just.

Siobhan:

Our living children were just being children, you know, annoying and frustrating as they can be sometimes.

Siobhan:

And we found it really hard because we'd had no space at all.

Siobhan:

We'd had, you know, been through lockdown with them and we hadn't had any space from them.

Siobhan:

And we were just starting to get a little bit of space.

Siobhan:

And all we wanted to do was have an hour, just 1 hour.

Siobhan:

We were online with some of our baby lost friends.

Siobhan:

There were some poems I think I might have sang.

Siobhan:

I'd recorded a song for that.

Siobhan:

You know, we sat there with photos of grace with candles, and they just couldn't behave.

David:

You've forgotten that until now.

Siobhan:

Yeah, I was really upset by that.

Siobhan:

It really like, it really.

Siobhan:

I find that really hard when just for 1 hour, you know, she doesn't get much of our time, really, she doesn't.

Siobhan:

And sometimes it just.

Siobhan:

That all of those feelings need somewhere to go because they exist.

Siobhan:

They're constantly there.

Siobhan:

And sometimes they, you know, the hard stuff builds up and it needs a release.

Siobhan:

And I like those focused events to be able to do that.

David:

We.

David:

After that, all that stuff was done.

David:

We walked back down.

David:

Those who stayed walked back down to nearby pub.

David:

The manager knew we were coming and we all sat up there.

David:

There was free teas and coffees or stronger stuff if we wanted it.

David:

And it was just a time to chill with people being in the same place and actually.

Siobhan:

And for the siblings to play together.

David:

Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

David:

Watching.

David:

Watching the kids.

Siobhan:

Yeah.

David:

Just playing with other kids who've lost siblings.

David:

You know, there's.

David:

Even if they didn't talk about it, there was just something special about that.

Siobhan:

I think they felt what we felt, that it's that being in the.

Siobhan:

Being in a room with people who get it, you don't have to explain it, and you can talk about it or not talk about it, but, you know, it's there and it's not something kind of, you know.

Siobhan:

Oh, well, I don't know if I should go there because it might be a bit.

Siobhan:

You just know, you can.

Siobhan:

You can be fully yourself in that moment, actually.

David:

And I really like the informal feeling of this and the fact that there was like, you could go to the pub afterwards and chat.

David:

You know, it makes me think of comic book conventions, which is weird because kind of growing up when I did, you know, you like comics and stuff.

David:

You're a bit of an outcast, and when you went to a comic convention, you didn't.

David:

You could just chill out and go to the comic convention and meeting authors and meeting artists and buying stuff and getting stuff signed.

David:

That was all.

David:

That was great, but that was by the bye.

David:

The best bit was in the evening in the bar, chilling with people, and you could talk about stuff without having to explain why you liked it or trying to validate your love of comics.

David:

And I think it felt the same.

David:

There are so many supportive people around, but actually being with your tribe in that way.

Siobhan:

Yeah.

Siobhan:

And for us, specifically in the room yesterday, there were a lot of people who sat in the sans group that we went to, who sat there and supported us through some of our hardest times, through some of the toughest moments.

Siobhan:

And it was just so wonderful.

David:

Something we hadn't seen for years.

Siobhan:

Yep.

David:

Yeah.

David:

I think the biggest takeaway from me was that we can do things to remember our baby anytime, and as an event to remember babies together.

David:

It was fantastic.

David:

But for me, the most important thing was just that.

David:

What's the word I'm looking for?

Siobhan:

That camaraderie.

David:

Camaraderie.

David:

That fellowship with other people who got it or who needed it.

David:

And there was, you know, just meeting people who feel isolated in their own lives and having the chance to just for a couple of hours, not feel so alone.

Siobhan:

Yeah.

Siobhan:

Feel quite lonely sometimes.

David:

And the thing I've come away with that is how important it is to not just talk about the baby loss community, but to build it.

David:

And I don't think that means we've got to meet every week, but I think we need contact.

Siobhan:

Yeah.

David:

You know, and, you know, meeting every now and again or whatever.

David:

I just think it's.

David:

It's just reminding me how important that is.

Siobhan:

Yeah.

Siobhan:

And we've found that in different places, haven't we?

Siobhan:

I was also thinking about the other years in between, you know, like that first Covid year and now.

Siobhan:

And we did a couple of things ourselves.

Siobhan:

We organized our own thing with.

Siobhan:

With a friend one year, and then.

David:

The other year, we just.

David:

I think we went down and just did it with one family.

David:

It was just two families.

Siobhan:

Yeah.

Siobhan:

We sort of attempted to do our own thing, and that was nice.

Siobhan:

That was really, really nice.

Siobhan:

And I'm really glad that we did that.

Siobhan:

I think after sitting there one year, being online with the kids, getting frustrated, I thought, I think I'd rather run them around somewhere.

Siobhan:

Oddly, it gave us a little more time to focus.

Siobhan:

They often misbehave, actually, around events like that, and yesterday was no exception.

Siobhan:

Our nine year old decided to have a bit of an angry moment.

Siobhan:

I mean, she reigned it in because of where we were and what was happening, but she was seething.

Siobhan:

And I think sometimes I had to check myself in that moment and remember, you know, she has feelings too, and she's only nine, so maybe some of what's coming out is her misplaced.

Siobhan:

Like, I mean, a sadness about grace and not knowing how to.

David:

It's slightly off topic directly, but I forget all the time that sometimes our children's anger and behaviour is often masking something completely different than what they're getting angry about.

Siobhan:

Yeah, that's quite normal.

David:

I forget that a lot.

David:

It's just.

David:

Yeah, yeah.

Siobhan:

And it's hard when you're in that moment when you just need a moment to just feel all the feels.

Siobhan:

Because a lot of the time, as a parent, you can't do that, can you?

Siobhan:

You kind of have to.

Siobhan:

You have to rein yourself in to help your kids to learn how to express their stuff and deal with their stuff.

Siobhan:

And then in that moment, I just need it.

Siobhan:

I need it.

David:

So, yeah, for me, the watch word is kind of community, touching, base communication, people to communicate with.

David:

It's just that need for human touch, sharing, all of that.

David:

I can't.

David:

Yeah, I've said it before and I'm repeating myself, but it's worth repeating, and I think I said this at the end of my talk.

David:

If you're not getting all those feelings out, if you're not sharing, if you're not talking or something, it's going to bubble away inside you and it will come out somehow, in some way.

David:

And it may be unexpected and uncontrollable and unpleasant and unpleasant.

David:

And you need to get someone to talk to or someone to listen to or whatever, and that's not always gonna come to you.

David:

So wherever you see, anywhere you can reach out, do it.

David:

Because most people in this situation, they feel the same.

David:

They feel the same and they hate knowing other people feel alone in it.

David:

You're not alone.

David:

That's the one thing that came out to me yesterday.

David:

You are not alone.

Siobhan:

So with that, join us at:

Siobhan:

in your time zone, lighting a candle.

Siobhan:

And we'll be lighting one for grace and all the babies that have died too.

Siobhan:

Soon.

David:

Now that Babylost week is over, we won't be doing an episode a day.

David:

We probably won't even be doing one a week because it's just wiped us out a little bit, I think.

David:

So I think we're going to be aiming for once a month.

Siobhan:

We'll see.

Siobhan:

There's more to talk about.

David:

There is.

David:

So do subscribe and watch your feed.

Siobhan:

And as ever, you know, send us your thoughts.

David:

Please do.

David:

Please, please, please.

Siobhan:

Love to know how you're getting on.

David:

We're gonna end this show with, well, we asked Alanna to come on and read the poem to a stillborn sister by Nicholas Gordon, which she read at the wave of light.

Alanna:

Hi, I'm Alana, and this is the poem I read.

Alanna:

How do you love a person who never got to be or try again to see a face you never got to see?

Alanna:

How do you mourn the death of one who never got to live when there's nothing to feel good about and nothing to forgive?

Alanna:

I love you, little sister.

Alanna:

You're a person of the wind, free to be the memory of all that might have been.

Alanna:

I love you, little sister.

Alanna:

My companion of the night, wandering through my lonely hours, beautiful and bright.

Alanna:

What does it mean to die before you can be born?

Alanna:

To live the lovely night of life and never see the dawn?

Alanna:

My little sister, you lived like anyone.

Alanna:

Life's a burst of joy and pain, and then, like yours, it's done.

Alanna:

I love you, little sister.

Alanna:

Just as if you'd lived for years.

Alanna:

No more, no less.

Alanna:

I think of you, the angel of my tears.

Alanna:

Okay, so this next one is a poem that I wrote, and it's called I've got three sisters.

Alanna:

I've got three sisters, all of whom I love.

Alanna:

I've got three sisters who I don't see very much.

Alanna:

I've got three sisters, one dead.

Alanna:

I've got three sisters, one dead and two alive.

Alanna:

That's okay, though.

Alanna:

It just means one's in the sky.

Alanna:

I always see them in the elements or real life.

Alanna:

And I've got three sisters who I'll love for the rest of my life.

Alanna:

Thank you.

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Life after Babyloss
David and Siobhan Monteith explore Life after Babyloss after the death of their daughter in 2014

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